"The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person." Such non-fiction from a fictional character.
In my real life, I've loved someone who wasn't ready to love me. I've been loved by someone who I didn't think deserved my love. I have loved someone who I didn't deserve to be loved by.
I've loved different people; different people have loved me. I've loved the same person, after we've both become different people.
A few days ago, I finally had the epiphany... that I need to let go. I was holding onto the idea that I'd already ruined my relationship with the one person who understood me and accepted me and loved me for what I really am, despite all of my faults and the wrongs I've done. The truth is I'm scared that I'll never find anyone who could love me that way again. But instead of clinging to the romanticized reflection of myself in his eyes, I should be learning how to become someone that I love, so that someone else can love me too.
When I was lying in bed tonight, I remembered something: Love... is just love. I have it. I feel it. This is normal, and it's important to feel love. I almost can't believe how much I've exhausted myself, worrying that who I love isn't who loves me (and vice versa). Of course, if it was so easy for people to just be in love together at the same time, then everyone would just be in love, and it wouldn't be the fun and magical thing that it is.
I've always known that I don't need to worry about love. It falls into place. It falls out of place. It's all over the place. But it'll happen, when it happens, with whom it happens. And then? Daisy St. Patience's "never, ever" will just be a couple more silly words in my silly blog.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tyler Durden once said...
"How much can you know about yourself, if you've never been in a fight?" Tyler Durden may be a figment of someone's imagination twice over, but he's still fucking brilliant.
The way that my most current relationship exploded into a million unintelligible shreds of love and hate made me think of this quote from Fight Club. We were probably just making our way out of the honeymoon stage, having only been together for a few months, and we'd never been in a fight. Now, how much can you really know about your relationship and the person you're with, if you've never been in a fight?
Everyone said it would end up this way, but I had to see for myself. What started out as a few seemingly harmless tremors, about "Someone told me your ex said..." and "You seem distant...", quickly evolved into a full-blown life-shaking event, complete with misplaced aggression due to unresolved emotional issues, brought on by both parties.
When I was so hurt that I was sobbing uncontrollably, and he didn't seem to have any compassion for me, I was sure that we were both in the wrong relationship. I haven't yet failed my New Year's Resolution, because the way I see it, a fight like this one couldn't have escalated if I had been emotionally unavailable. But if I believe that the right one for me is still out there, I have to ensure the survival of my mind and heart, by escaping a relationship that is mentally and emotionally abusive, before it destroys me. And if he's reading this, I hope he understands that this goes for both of us.
Another thing I learned about being in a fight: When you get hurt, it awakens you to your vulnerabilities. He told me I didn't have any real relationships, that all my relationships were shams. This hurt me because I was afraid he was right. I had been distancing myself from my friends, while I tumbled from one boyfriend to the next. I guess when you distract yourself from heartbreak by always dating someone new, you don't feel like you need the support of your friends, and you stay too self-absorbed to notice that your friends don't like you anymore.
It's funny that when I started typing this blog, I didn't even see the connection. In a way, I am my own Tyler Durden. Without even realizing it, I've turned my life into a personal Project Mayhem.
The way that my most current relationship exploded into a million unintelligible shreds of love and hate made me think of this quote from Fight Club. We were probably just making our way out of the honeymoon stage, having only been together for a few months, and we'd never been in a fight. Now, how much can you really know about your relationship and the person you're with, if you've never been in a fight?
Everyone said it would end up this way, but I had to see for myself. What started out as a few seemingly harmless tremors, about "Someone told me your ex said..." and "You seem distant...", quickly evolved into a full-blown life-shaking event, complete with misplaced aggression due to unresolved emotional issues, brought on by both parties.
When I was so hurt that I was sobbing uncontrollably, and he didn't seem to have any compassion for me, I was sure that we were both in the wrong relationship. I haven't yet failed my New Year's Resolution, because the way I see it, a fight like this one couldn't have escalated if I had been emotionally unavailable. But if I believe that the right one for me is still out there, I have to ensure the survival of my mind and heart, by escaping a relationship that is mentally and emotionally abusive, before it destroys me. And if he's reading this, I hope he understands that this goes for both of us.
Another thing I learned about being in a fight: When you get hurt, it awakens you to your vulnerabilities. He told me I didn't have any real relationships, that all my relationships were shams. This hurt me because I was afraid he was right. I had been distancing myself from my friends, while I tumbled from one boyfriend to the next. I guess when you distract yourself from heartbreak by always dating someone new, you don't feel like you need the support of your friends, and you stay too self-absorbed to notice that your friends don't like you anymore.
It's funny that when I started typing this blog, I didn't even see the connection. In a way, I am my own Tyler Durden. Without even realizing it, I've turned my life into a personal Project Mayhem.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
The First Official Post of Bulletproof Jane
On Christmas eve, I got a phone call from a good friend, who was looking for advice. He explained how his girlfriend just broke up with him... and how this one was different. It was one of those relationships that shakes your core, makes you change your life, and makes you change yourself. He came to me for advice, because he was a first-hand witness to my life-changing relationship. He held my hair back while I vomited from drinking too much because the boy who had my heart was out with another girl.
To end my life-changing relationship, I moved an ocean away. At the end of my friend's last life-changing relationship, he joined the military. So, he asked me what he should do, now that he can't join the military again. I told him that (1) I don't think I should be consulted as an authority on relationships, and (2) that kind of heartbreak is the reason why I've been keeping myself emotionally unavailable.
And as soon as I said the words, I realized they were true. It's the reason why all my recent relationships have failed. I've kept myself emotionally unavailable to make it easier to break if the relationship stopped being fun.
This was the beginning of a series of conversations with a few different people. I had to ask myself: If I don't believe in being emotionally available, why am I dating someone and keeping him from finding his true love? Would it be so bad to believe in love, when the worse that could happen is I never stopped trying to find it? Would I rather close myself off to the possibility of love, and ruin my chances of ever finding it? Am I being the best version of me?
I don't normally do "New Year's Resolutions," because if I really wanted to do something, I wouldn't be waiting until the new year starts; I'd be starting in the new day, or the new hour even. What's worse, people are always asking what your New Year's Resolution is, because it makes for convenient small talk, and after you've given your lame answer, it affords them the opportunity to talk about themselves. Then, if you're like me, too lazy and lacking in self-discipline to meet your resolution, everyone will know about your failure, and have one more thing to judge you for and talk about behind your back.
But this year, I decided to get over that. My New Year's Resolution is to be open to the possibility of love.
I wanted to start a new blog to make my emotions more readily available to myself, and to others, in a literal sense. What held me back for two weeks was my inability to create a username... My usual "notquitejune" was taken. Funny how choosing a username can force you to consider who you are and what you want to be known as.
Today when I was on the phone with my brother, he said that if he ever wrote a book, he'd title it "Bulletproof" because of all the bullets he's dodged. And there was born Bulletproof Jane.
Jane is almost 25, still crashing on her sister's couch, and working at abercrombie; kind of slacking according to society's timeline, which dictates that everyone is supposed to finish school, then find a good job, then buy a house, then settle down and get married; kind of doesn't care.
Here's why: Society isn't gonna cry or feel unfulfilled if I look back on my life with disappointment. I don't want to just marry the first guy who thinks it's a good idea to meet a deadline. I don't care about having someone to bring to dinner parties, if I know we're probably just gonna go home and fight constantly about something stupid, or just not talk because we can't stand each other's personalities, until we either spend the rest of our lives pretending to be happy at social gatherings while hating each other in private, eventually raising kids who will hate us too, or we end it in divorce - which is a completely acceptable option, according to society.
The way I see it, the purpose of dating is to figure out what you want and don't want, how much you can take, and how much you're willing to give. With every guy that I date, I see a little bit more of the guys I've already dated. I'm making a collection of traits that I want in my ideal mate. Sometimes it's tempting to just choose someone who loves me... But with so many people on this planet, I have to believe that one person exists who has - not just some of the things I'm looking for, if I'm willing to overlook these other things - but everything.
As far as my friend who called me for advice, he said it's always the blind leading the blind; but it's like driving behind another car in the snow... you feel less like you're gonna die from a crash because there's comfort in knowing that there's someone else who has been through it. So here's that advice: Be fair to yourself, to the ones you don't belong with, and to the right one for you. It would be convenient and comfortable to go back to someone that already has loved you; but if it didn't work out, there's a reason. In retrospect you'll be able to see all the ways that the wrong relationship was rejected by your entire being, the way it exhausted your body, your mind, and your heart. Think of it as a disease that was sucking the life out of you, and now? You've dodged the bullet. Another chance at life. Your dream girl is still out there, probably curled up on the couch, in sweatpants, getting fat, and watching Definitely, Maybe because she got her heart broken by another douchebag. Work on being the best version of you so that you're ready when she is. It's probably not going to line up with society's plot of your life, but I'd rather be forever dating, than wasting my time with mediocre love, while the man of my dreams is waiting for me to come and love him the way no other woman ever could, because I've been looking for him my whole life.
There you have it. Proofread for grammatical errors before getting it etched anywhere... I'm not perfect, and neither is my blog :)
To end my life-changing relationship, I moved an ocean away. At the end of my friend's last life-changing relationship, he joined the military. So, he asked me what he should do, now that he can't join the military again. I told him that (1) I don't think I should be consulted as an authority on relationships, and (2) that kind of heartbreak is the reason why I've been keeping myself emotionally unavailable.
And as soon as I said the words, I realized they were true. It's the reason why all my recent relationships have failed. I've kept myself emotionally unavailable to make it easier to break if the relationship stopped being fun.
This was the beginning of a series of conversations with a few different people. I had to ask myself: If I don't believe in being emotionally available, why am I dating someone and keeping him from finding his true love? Would it be so bad to believe in love, when the worse that could happen is I never stopped trying to find it? Would I rather close myself off to the possibility of love, and ruin my chances of ever finding it? Am I being the best version of me?
I don't normally do "New Year's Resolutions," because if I really wanted to do something, I wouldn't be waiting until the new year starts; I'd be starting in the new day, or the new hour even. What's worse, people are always asking what your New Year's Resolution is, because it makes for convenient small talk, and after you've given your lame answer, it affords them the opportunity to talk about themselves. Then, if you're like me, too lazy and lacking in self-discipline to meet your resolution, everyone will know about your failure, and have one more thing to judge you for and talk about behind your back.
But this year, I decided to get over that. My New Year's Resolution is to be open to the possibility of love.
I wanted to start a new blog to make my emotions more readily available to myself, and to others, in a literal sense. What held me back for two weeks was my inability to create a username... My usual "notquitejune" was taken. Funny how choosing a username can force you to consider who you are and what you want to be known as.
Today when I was on the phone with my brother, he said that if he ever wrote a book, he'd title it "Bulletproof" because of all the bullets he's dodged. And there was born Bulletproof Jane.
Jane is almost 25, still crashing on her sister's couch, and working at abercrombie; kind of slacking according to society's timeline, which dictates that everyone is supposed to finish school, then find a good job, then buy a house, then settle down and get married; kind of doesn't care.
Here's why: Society isn't gonna cry or feel unfulfilled if I look back on my life with disappointment. I don't want to just marry the first guy who thinks it's a good idea to meet a deadline. I don't care about having someone to bring to dinner parties, if I know we're probably just gonna go home and fight constantly about something stupid, or just not talk because we can't stand each other's personalities, until we either spend the rest of our lives pretending to be happy at social gatherings while hating each other in private, eventually raising kids who will hate us too, or we end it in divorce - which is a completely acceptable option, according to society.
The way I see it, the purpose of dating is to figure out what you want and don't want, how much you can take, and how much you're willing to give. With every guy that I date, I see a little bit more of the guys I've already dated. I'm making a collection of traits that I want in my ideal mate. Sometimes it's tempting to just choose someone who loves me... But with so many people on this planet, I have to believe that one person exists who has - not just some of the things I'm looking for, if I'm willing to overlook these other things - but everything.
As far as my friend who called me for advice, he said it's always the blind leading the blind; but it's like driving behind another car in the snow... you feel less like you're gonna die from a crash because there's comfort in knowing that there's someone else who has been through it. So here's that advice: Be fair to yourself, to the ones you don't belong with, and to the right one for you. It would be convenient and comfortable to go back to someone that already has loved you; but if it didn't work out, there's a reason. In retrospect you'll be able to see all the ways that the wrong relationship was rejected by your entire being, the way it exhausted your body, your mind, and your heart. Think of it as a disease that was sucking the life out of you, and now? You've dodged the bullet. Another chance at life. Your dream girl is still out there, probably curled up on the couch, in sweatpants, getting fat, and watching Definitely, Maybe because she got her heart broken by another douchebag. Work on being the best version of you so that you're ready when she is. It's probably not going to line up with society's plot of your life, but I'd rather be forever dating, than wasting my time with mediocre love, while the man of my dreams is waiting for me to come and love him the way no other woman ever could, because I've been looking for him my whole life.
There you have it. Proofread for grammatical errors before getting it etched anywhere... I'm not perfect, and neither is my blog :)
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