Tyler Durden once said...

"How much can you know about yourself, if you've never been in a fight?" Tyler Durden may be a figment of someone's imagination twice over, but he's still fucking brilliant.

The way that my most current relationship exploded into a million unintelligible shreds of love and hate made me think of this quote from Fight Club. We were probably just making our way out of the honeymoon stage, having only been together for a few months, and we'd never been in a fight. Now, how much can you really know about your relationship and the person you're with, if you've never been in a fight?

Everyone said it would end up this way, but I had to see for myself. What started out as a few seemingly harmless tremors, about "Someone told me your ex said..." and "You seem distant...", quickly evolved into a full-blown life-shaking event, complete with misplaced aggression due to unresolved emotional issues, brought on by both parties.

When I was so hurt that I was sobbing uncontrollably, and he didn't seem to have any compassion for me, I was sure that we were both in the wrong relationship. I haven't yet failed my New Year's Resolution, because the way I see it, a fight like this one couldn't have escalated if I had been emotionally unavailable. But if I believe that the right one for me is still out there, I have to ensure the survival of my mind and heart, by escaping a relationship that is mentally and emotionally abusive, before it destroys me. And if he's reading this, I hope he understands that this goes for both of us.

Another thing I learned about being in a fight: When you get hurt, it awakens you to your vulnerabilities. He told me I didn't have any real relationships, that all my relationships were shams. This hurt me because I was afraid he was right. I had been distancing myself from my friends, while I tumbled from one boyfriend to the next. I guess when you distract yourself from heartbreak by always dating someone new, you don't feel like you need the support of your friends, and you stay too self-absorbed to notice that your friends don't like you anymore.

It's funny that when I started typing this blog, I didn't even see the connection. In a way, I am my own Tyler Durden. Without even realizing it, I've turned my life into a personal Project Mayhem.